In September of last year, I scripted the following…
“To laugh and to cry: divided in theory yet united in love. I will strive for love unconditional…in which there is sunshine after the rain… where laughter and tears perform a beautiful dance under the rainbow created by both sunlight and precipitation…partners in need of one another in order for me to experience true reality!”
Months ago I found this beauty in an attempt to navigate through some light rain in my life. Yet, I now realize this was only the first step to understanding the sacrifice and love of our Savior, our Father’s longing for us, and the miraculous union we experience with the Holy Spirit. And as I again allow my mind to attempt an articulation of the inner thunderstorm of my heart, I fear that in another 7 months from now I may be in the middle of some new type of storm for which I am not prepared. For it is as if I was unexpectedly delivered to the most beautiful place on earth only to be dragged out against my will. I feel so selfish to even share this feeling, because I am only experiencing my own reality; but without those I believe I am called to love being present in my world… I would not have this reality to begin with. Still, I recognize that had I been given another’s life, my perspective and depth of understanding would be different. As I observe the cries of those I seek to serve and love as He loved, I am humbled. Therefore, I pray the words that flow from my heart to my fingertips are received not as selfish but as a glimpse of my struggle to understand His purposes and will in the midst of my life with others. These words are long in coming. In fact, they have already been rewritten multiple times as I script, transforming as I struggle with what pieces of myself to share.
This confusion about sharing of the heart is an old but newly resettled splinter in my soul. As I see pieces of me walking around outside of my skin, I cannot even comprehend the magnitude of Jesus’ paternal separation and anguish experienced on the cross. However, this out-of-body observation is a crazy beautiful experience when those pieces are reunited with their source, and even more transcendent when in fellowship with LOVE itself. However, the more distant those pieces become; the more difficult it is hope.
Thus my stormy reality at this moment leaves me inquisitive of where I fit within His sovereign plan, for my life and of those intersected with my own. When I watch others’ hearts being broken, while simultaneously mine beats more slowly and aches from places within me that I didn’t even know its rhythmic melody could resound…I wonder. “God what are you doing? The time was already short, and now it seems to be vanishing. How can I shine again? I need more of You.”
Yet there are moments of sunlight in the midst of the rain… Jesus comes to me at the most unexpected times: in the quiet, in the typical, in those wandering pieces of my heart, and those pieces which remain close…I thank Him. I believe He has a purpose, which I have been struggling to experience, yet I know is certain as promised. “…That you, being rooted and grounded in love,
may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Eph. 3:17-19
“…I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Phil 4:11-13
Thus, in order to comprehend the fullest capacity of Jesus’ love, we must be firmly solidified in His love from the outset. It is then we can begin the journey He has prepared for us to determine the ‘limitless boundaries’ of His love from all angles. Therefore, no matter if we are on top or thrust down below, we can learn how to be content as Paul was. Apparently, there is this secret to being content, even when we are brought low. Yet, oh my goodness, it hurts to be low….like you can’t breathe. However, in light of my thunderstorm and these verses, it seems that unless I be brought low, I will not be able to understand the depth of God’s love as it is spoken of. And if I must experience this in order to suffer alongside my Savior, taste the fullness of God’s fellowship through the Spirit, and to understand how much He loves, then I must persevere. I want to love like Jesus. I want to make Him proud. I want more than this moral ‘Christian’ life with a little bit of God in the midst. I need Him to be my midst.
Yet, I am scared at times….as parts of me walk around. I don’t know if they will return. That thought is unbearable. If returned to me, I don’t that if I will be prepared for the inevitable mutations. But I must be willing to sacrifice as my Savior did. He knows the end, and the fact that I can love at all is because of Him. He is shaping my understanding of his abounding love…not only its height and diverse expansion and unending capacity, but it’s depth as well… for to love deeply, one must be willing to hurt deeply. This is true reality.
So even though my heart is currently slowed by the overload, it has had a different tempo before. It knows well the flutter of joy, the rapid acceleration of excitement, and the moments it suddenly stops to relish in the most heavenly moments here on earth. It longs for this again…my heart waits. “Don't let go; don't give up hope. All is forgiven. You're breathing in; you're breathing in…
All is not lost; all is not lost. Become who you are. It happens once in a lifetime”
Thanks to Switchfoot- Needle and Haystack Life
