Although I believe that we are continually being shaped- if not proactively... passively, I also firmly believe that there are defining moments that are etched into our memories as instances in which "who we're becoming" has been catalyzed by a gentle, yet powerful Hand. It is so incredible to me to think that His hand has been forming me and striving to get my attention for years. It's as if on April 22, 2009 the preface of my life's story was published and then revealed to its main character, ME! This reflection in itself represents how real, yet unbelievable the experiences of the last several months have been for me. In an attempt to share my heart with those I love, I hope to capture my journey thus far, in the following lines. I want to share my passions and pursuits- my heart!
The 2008-2009 school year, marked the final stages of my graduate degree in school psychology. I would finally be rid of graded papers, tests, and projects! No more mandatory studying on Saturdays!! Exciting and relaxing times awaited me! Yet, shortly after entering 2009, I was informed of the lack of employment opportunity within our county. As I was unwilling to forfeit anymore of my time with Jerm, family, friends, or ministry opportunities with EAC students, I began to wonder what I would do with my professional life. Unbeknown to me, this almost inevitable lack of employment as a school psychologist in the county was modifying my vision and hearing for God's path and voice to enter my realm of awareness. It also wouldn't be until much later that I would understand the reason for my continual feeling of restlessness and the frequent tears that accompanied me as I drove to work in the mornings! Internship was a taste of what I had been working toward for so long. So, what were these feelings about? I questioned if they spawned from my fear of failing, lack of proficiency, or the unknown. Funny thing, though, I was told I was good at the job. So what were the feelings all about, really?? With all of this said, I definitely had days of joy and a sense of effectiveness working as a school psychologist intern. Yet, not being able to freely share Jesus with students and parents was extremely difficult. The 3 to 4 direct hours I invested in students was gone in the blink of an eye. Although the students benefited, for sure, I was left wondering if they knew Thee ultimate educator and emotional healer! This level of accountability has struck me even more profoundly over the last couple of months!
In the midst of it all, I had the opportunity to attend a leadership conference for youth ministry workers. Work was busy, and I was in the most important time of my schooling....I was in the homestretch. I have always been under the impression that school/work is a priority, an important commitment, and thus I have a habit of not even taking off when I am sick. I even grew up disliking to miss school for vacation purposes or school privileges, because I disliked playing catchup and the feeling of not following through with my responsibilities. So, it was pretty amazing I even accepted the invitation to go to the conference in the middle of a work week and within the same week I was scheduled to take my national certification exam for school psychology! In fact, the initial flight was pretty surreal for this fact alone. But even more, I had been forewarned of the trip's possible influence and was waiting for God to show up! I was anticipating His arrival, but not really sure of how or why as He was already with me.
I guess I have always had tuggings of what was to happen next. I just didn't really see them in the same light. On the morning of April 22nd, I was presented with multiple questions and ideas from the heart of Francis Chan. Before the crowd of people of which I was a part, he asked "Can you be led by the Holy Spirit and be bored at the same time? And, does the Christian culture we create stun people to realize Christ is Lord?" Although I was not immediately struck with definite answers, these questions made me think. Most importantly, it was during this session that God spoke to me loudly and clearly! I was to be in youth ministry full-time! What an overwhelming experience! I am not one for getting emotional during a lecture/sermon/teaching, but I was emotional to say the least! I finally had the passion I desired and watched my dad have since I was young. I fell in love with Jesus that morning! He wasn't just my Savior, He had become so much more within moments!
So here I was, and I was being called...on a completely different path than I had expected. I was excited, scared, and completely overwhelmed!! By the end of the week, I was so pumped I didn't even want to take the early flight home to take my exam. However, I wanted to follow through and allow God to close all doors He didn't want me to enter. I also wanted to make sure that I was listening to His purpose for my life, not my own. I wanted to discern His voice...something new and therefore worthy of time, prayer, and study. I surrendered my life to Jesus. I was finally and truly TRUSTING.
This then led to the last few months. No school psychology positions became available while most of our surrounding counties had multiple school psychology positions open. Another job opportunity in the county to get my foot in the door was quickly opened and then immediately closed. Two individuals- a student and a coworker said " You should be a youth leader/minister" out of the blue. In reflection of this new revelation, I remembered a random conversation I had with one of my professors the first semester of graduate school concerning being upset about not having been able to work with the youth at my church for the last several years and now continuing to be prevented from doing so due to graduate school. This then reminded me of how much I loved my classes in Theology, Spiritual Formation, and Principles of Biblical Faith while completing my undergraduate classes at PBA, and how I became a youth leader for the church I attended during this period of my life. The students are all I have talked about during graduate school, even when I was not able to actively participate in Student Ministries due to scheduling conflicts...they were who I was thinking about and wishing I was spending time with. The flight home by myself from Chicago was encouraging, yet still confusing. It just so happened that a lay youth director sat beside me and began to question what I was studying as I prepared for my exam the following morning. As we began to talk, apparently Jesus just flowed out as I shared my recent experience and resulting thoughts. God even had my quiet time on the flight home prepped for intercession! So cool!
All of this has been shared just to say....here I am, a certifiable school psychologist who no longer wants to be a school psychologist. I never thought I would be the girl who changed her major...and I guess I'm not, since I have already graduated. But God has entered my world in a whole new way, and I am so excited! Being patient and waiting on the Lord's timing that last 3 months has been liberating yet so difficult. So many people have encouraged and put up with me throughout my schooling that I wanted to share this change of events in the most authentic way. With my whole heart, I appreciate all the support and love I have been given in order to complete school. Initially and at random moments, I still feel as if I am incompetent for my revealed purpose. Yet, if God left teenage disciples and the Holy Spirit to spread His Truth across the world, then the Holy Spirit and I can work in youth ministry together, despite my lack of training. God has, too, placed wonderful people in my life to guide me. His timing is so intriguing. Had I realized this sooner, who's to say all these amazing experiences and those yet to come would have played forth. I have wanted so desperately to share my excitement and am so loving that I am finally doing so. Although I have hopes, ultimately, I am not sure what lies ahead, but I am wanting to take hold of that which Christ took hold of me (Phil. 3:12). I want to live up to what I have already attained (v. 16).
em :) <><
