In all honesty, I am not sure where I should begin. It seems that it is only in the rarity of these stepping stone segments of my life that I chose to reflect through prose. This seems quite unfair when I consider my love of words. I talk to myself constantly and call upon divine guidance frequently. In fact, Jesus and I are in regular conversation as I go about my days. There is definitely something to be said about creating something of one’s own…something unique and melodic. So, as much as I am thankful to be writing again, I also find it quite ironic that this second dialogue of the year comes after returning from Detroit. It has now been 10 days since I last saw the streets and people I have come to love. The time spent there was amazing, but two weeks with so many that I consider to be family (students of both Detroit & EASM) makes it all the more difficult to leave. In those 14 days, I not only gave of myself to some of the sweetest souls God destined, but I learned so much from those younger than me. Now in my beautiful home which rests upon the sculptured land that Jerm and I own, I am left feeling both hopeful and empty. It is in response to these feelings that I am urged to create order & meaning to this obvious paradox. Cognitive dissonance is the term I have been trained to call the emotions I am now experiencing, and I must in some way articulate the multitude of thoughts, whether true or dishonest, in an effort to resolve my conundrum.Yesterday I found myself reading a quote by an anonymous 15-year-old boy that I believe resembles what some of my friends would share if only they could begin to see beyond their daily lives to what could be. “To the Adults of America, You may say, ‘Everyone makes mistakes,’ Well then excuse us, the teenagers of America, when there are one million girls impregnated every year, and young boys are shot down in our streets every day. Please, don’t stare when you begin to realize that the rehab centers are starting to fill with teenagers, and about a quarter of every teen’s allowance is spent on drugs and/or alcohol. Don’t let us get in the way when we stand in line at the grocery store, shopping for our drunk mothers, or praying at church for our fathers to come home.” This summer, the impact of the lives of our Detroit children spoke volumes to me. For the first time, parents were seen outside amongst the children. However, for the most of them, it was not to bid their son/daughter goodbye or welcome him/her home, in fact, it was as if they were lifeless statues in the midst of a reality T.V. show gone wrong. In a way, it was allegorical to the Son of God coming to save His people yet going unseen by those who needed Him the most. Children were pleading to remain at the Dream Center with us, hiding under van seats, and requesting to live in our homes in Florida… hugs and the words ‘I love you’ were exchanged by their children with strangers.… and this all transpired as parents glanced with hardened faces. As I leave them behind, I question my role in their lives and am at the same time greeted by the knowledge of those here who I believe I am called to serve.
Stepping back into church, I am baffled by the appearance of apathy. I use this word in place of the word ‘ignorance’ in hopes of not selling my brothers and sisters in Christ short, or unconsciously giving myself far too much credit. However, there is something to be said about the Acts 2 church. There is something to be said about the genuine and self-revealing conversations I had with our own students for 2 weeks. Working together constantly, growing in areas of weakness, yoking our strengths together, refining our attitudes, serving one another without complaint, delighting in the sight of one another, and watching God increase our numbers daily. As an only child, one might question how living with 26 people with only 2 cold showers can be joyful, but I will confidently confess that I am struggling to live without them each day. It was totally joy-filled! Why not share & love to the fullest? What are we doing here if not that? I am completely overwhelmed!
With all that said, the next school year commences in a mere 5 days, and I am taken back by how steadily the last year has proceeded. Although I delighted in more of these days than any of the others in years past, I feel as if I have been blinded to this year’s approach, and now it is standing before me, taking delight in my shocked reaction. You see, I have never felt more content with my life than I have in this last year. And this continues to baffle me, considering the lack of consistency and the day-to-day struggles that have challenged my decision. I have all trust that God knows what he is doing. Yet it is in moments like the last few days after my return that I question whether I can really discern His voice. Am I defined by what I do? The frustration with this is that I truly believe the answer is both ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ You see, I want to be all that God has created for me to be …utilizing the talents He has given me, and with my whole heart loving the people He has placed in my life. Yet, wrapped in this package of gifting and loving, is my desire to live a life that is constantly building a legacy of my few short years on this planet. I cannot live my life without purpose and intentionality. Yet, by waiting upon what I thought to be God’s plan, I see a string of part-time jobs….defining me. Is that worth a legacy? If I was once again a teenager, would I desire to model my life after the life I have now? On the other hand, am I being selfish to think I need a more ‘professional’ title to be leaving a mark on the lives that God places in my life. Because honestly, without these jobs I would not have many of the people in my life that mean the most to me. I wouldn’t be stretched for full Godly dependence. I wouldn’t be challenged to surrender daily. I would not long for the Acts 2 church or to spend my spare time joining the hands of teenagers to walk the streets of 3rd Ave and McDougall. Yet even in knowing all of this, I long to have a niche of my own. But then again, maybe I long to be something or someone I’m not. And I don’t mean that in a way that alludes to being like Christ. I so desire to be like Him, yet I feel as if the model I am seeking is an earthly one, not the divine human man who lived completely and perfectly. So, this analysis too shows me that I have so much to still to understand about my journey. This is my human struggle….it is this fade to gray that I pray becomes black or white in the near future. Maybe I have pictured full-time youth ministry to look like one thing, and for me, maybe it is another.
“Lord, allow me to fear you in a way that brings insight to my days. Cause me to never quench my thirst for You! Continue to place students in my path that want to go deeper and rest in your calling on their lives! Help me discern my place in Your Kingdom.”
In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
